I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
