Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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