Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
