I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
