why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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