your thong is hanging out like whoa
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
