have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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