I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
