I can't breathe out the right side of my face
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Terrible idea I love it
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
