she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
