Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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