you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
