Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
