..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
