im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
