I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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