if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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