Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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