sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
