Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
