I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
