I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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