beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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