Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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