How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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