Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
