I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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