i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
