If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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