I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
