If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
