the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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