someone get that fucking seahorse.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
