The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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