2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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