It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
