They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
There's always time for handjobs
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
