so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
