i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
