apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
