Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
