I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Randomize
