there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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