Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You pole danced in your parka.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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