i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
