Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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