We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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