If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
