i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
