So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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